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Saturday, 18 October 2014

20 things about Me + Versatile Award

Hiya everyone!

It's a Saturday so let's do a fun post! I hope your day is going great? For me, I am having a great time at my nephew's first birthday party eating small chops and dancing ijo yoyo (Oh how I love children's parties - plenty food, no stress *covers face*)

Happy birthday my dearest, darling cutie dimpled pie Ayooluwatitomi Funsho.. Aunty loves you muchos. I pray that God will make you very great. I can see greatness all over you already and I pray that you will make God and your parents very proud!


So, I have been tagged by a few bloggers and I have been very very bad at responding.. I have slacked so much, I don't even know how or where to start from.. But *rolls sleeves*, let's try somehow somehow..

Today, I will do the 20s Tag given by the lovely Blogger Toinlicious.. Thanks hun *kisses".

This is the only picture of the lovely Toin that can be found on Blogsville!
Also, my darling Erniesha nominated me for "The Versatile Blogger Award" Whoop whooop! Tibs, you rock, thanks mami!

Beautiful Tibs of life!
The only rule for the 20s tag is to say 20 random things about yourself (20?!!)

For the Versatile Award, it's as follows:

1. Thank the person who gave you this award - Thank you Tibs, I know if anyone does, you deserve this hun.. You are super-fly fresh and there's always something worth reading on your blog! xx

2. Include a link to their blog - Visit the FAB Tibs here www.everydaytibs.blogspot.com

3.Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you have recently discovered or follow regularly - The thing is that Tibs has nominated many of my favourites.. But let's seee!

4. Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award (you might include a link to VBA site.)

5. Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself. (That's definitely easier than 20! lol)

20 Things:

1. I am not very good at responding to tags, lol.. Figures right?

2. I am almost as bad responding to emails sometimes (sorry!)

3. I enjoy being busy....

4. Saying that, one of my favourite phrases is "I am tired".. My ex (I hate that word by the way, why give continuous significance? lol) once said I enjoy being tired (maybe/maybe not :-D)

5. I love music and singing.. In my mind I conduct this amazing choir (If you see my conducting skills mehn.. My imaginary choir are just awesome!).. I sing in the bath, on the road (I lose myself many times until I notice people giving me strange looks).

6. I lovee dancing too! When I was at University, I would actively sing and dance walking from Uni to my house (people definitely shook their heads and thought wryly "Africans!" tut tut :-D

7. I talk and dance with my hands. (I am that girl who is flaying and waving her hands randomly as she dances).

8. It takes a while for me to completely let go with people, however sometimes, I meet someone and we just click (not very often though).

9. I can day-dream + night-dream for Africa!

10. I used to cry a LOT when I was younger. To God be the glory - no more! lol (I pray my children don't inherit it please)

No more tears, all smiles lol
11. I used to like things done my way in the past lol ('used to' and 'past' being the operative words.. Ok, maybe still do a little :-D *work in progress*)

12. I think food is one of the greatest pleasures God gave man -_-

13. I want my children to look like their fathers. (I actually wrote 'fathers' first, biko, only one father please oh!)

14. I have a special love-relationship with Cake.. 

15. I don't like shopping. I like dressing up though.

16. (I don't have anything to write again).

17. I love words.. I love cards, I like when I read from someone I like.. I could read it again and again and go 'aww' like it's the first time. I have cards from years and years ago!

18. I am a family girl.. I take them very very seriously.

19. I don't like a guy who talks too much lol.. I talk too much, we need some balance plix.

20. I love Lovee (What? You didn't know that?? Hehehe)

**Finallyyyy we got there! If you read it to the end, you are simply amazing! Thank you.

Ok, now to the Versatile Award.. Tibs is one of my favourite bloggers who I believe has a heart of gold so let me tell her some things I wouldn't normally share. Right Tibs? Right :-) xx

1. So I said I cry a lot right? Well mami, when my first boyfriend and I broke up, I cried for days.. We were young, no need for all that (well I saw the light later). However, I think the most painful heart-wrenching break-up was with my last boyfriend.. I needed God to take away the hurt. 

2. I enjoy public speaking and do a bit of hosting/compering here and there.

3. I am a night person! I wish I could work at night only. I think I am more productive at night!

4. When I was younger, my dream job was to be one of Fela's (Anikulapo-Kuti) dancers.. I admired the skimpy cloths and the flexible dance-steps.. In my mind, that was the dreammm *nods head* 

5. I analyse (and over-analyse) things a lot! Call me Detective One... (I am retiring though, it's not good for my peace of mind at all!)

6. I am borrowing this one from you Tibs - I absolutely love bringing people together. I love expressions of love, I want us all to sing peace and harmony songs and get along etc etc.

7. I absolutely enjoy serving people. I may not like cooking (yet) but I love catering to people, hosting, entertaining etc.. I revel in that :-D

*Phew* I made it!! I did!! Yayyyyyyy!!!!

Thank you very much for the nomination ladies, I am very grateful. 

God bless you muchos! *kisses*

Now, I nominate these absolutely amazing bloggers for The Versatile Bloggers Award:

2. Frances Okoro - Imperfectly Perfect Lives
3. Eziaha
12. Atilola 
13. Sykik
15. Tobi Atte - Ijustmetme

Please click on their names and check out their blogs too! xx

Friday, 17 October 2014

Dear Daddy

My Darling Father and Friend,

I look forward to writing to you each week (and speaking to you as often as possible). Most High God, words cannot express how grateful I am to to You for making it possible for me to come boldly to you and to have a relationship with You - Father to daughter. No protocols, just me and You.

Thank You for Your Son Jesus whom You gave up to die for our sins so that our relationship with You can be fully restored.

My Superman! The One that makes me complete in every way, I am satisfied with You in every way. You are the best thing that could ever happen to me!!!

I thank You for doing things in spectacular fashion. You never do things by half measures, Your ways are always superb! You did it by parting the red sea for the children of Israel when it seemed to them like the end had come..

You did it for Abraham and Sarah when You gave them a wonderful son, Isaac to show that You keep promises and You are the real Covenant Keeper.

You did it for Naomi, just when she thought her life was over, you renewed her joy by blessing her with a grandson through her wonderful daughter-in-law Ruth.

You did it for Ruth who must have thought that life was over for her since she lost her husband and was moving to a new place with new customs, but You surprised her by giving her one of the most eligible men in town - Boaz.. A man that many ladies still use as a point of contact till today :-)

You did it for Jarius, he thought His daughter was gone but You said no "She's only sleeping" and so it was, for a girl who had stopped living came alive when the Fountain of Life stepped in..

How can I forget Lazarus? That was a forgotten case! A lost cause.. Dead for 1,2,3 days! Yet, when you, the One who controls life and death stopped by, death had to reject Lazarus, because its Master called out "Lazarus, come forth!"

You are the One who holds the key of David in Your hands - You open the door that no man can shut, you shut the door and no man can open! You are the One who speaks a thing and it is done, You even call the things that are not as though they were. You decree a thing and it is established. Papa, impossible is nothing with You!

I stand in awe of You, I respect You, I honour You, I fear You, I am amazed by You, I submit to You, I ascribe greatness to You, I admit that only You are Lord, I confess You as my Saviour, I love You my King.

You rock, You reign, You rule!

Love today and always,
One xx


Thursday, 16 October 2014

Conversations with One: PDA, to be or not to be?

Hiya! It's another edition of Conversations with One! *cue music*

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where we had a very interesting discussion on the importance of your significant other/partner getting along with your family. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

Ok, unto this week's conversation:

"Closed or Public Relationship: Is it better to keep your relationship a secret or would you rather go public with it?"

Now this question was inspired by some tweets by the popular Publisher of Genevieve Magazine in,Nigeria, Mrs Betty Irabor who said that celebrities should stop living out their relationships on social media as it contributes to problems in the relationship!

Do you think it is wiser to be more covert about your relationship or is it alright to shout it from the rooftop aka PDA (Public Display of Affection)? So putting 'In a relationship' on Facebook, putting up pictures on social media, tweeting about it, BBM display picture etc.. Or should one keep quiet about it until probably 'I Do' or never?

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Ms MIA: Hmmmm! I had to consult with Mr SO himself (wink*) and in his words "If you love someone, it will come out somehow. You will speak about it and you will flaunt it especially if you're sure you're with the right person".....yayyyy!

I absolutely agree with him that love is obvious and it's expressive. Matter of fact, it shows in our countenance when we're in love how much more your attitude (including expressions).
I have no problems at all updating your status on FB or changing DPs and Status messages to show the SO, it's our way of showing appreciation for what we have and love.
I'm also not against writing to and about the SO now and again publicly.

However, I'm not over expressive to publicly display affection all the time. I still love a little bit of privacy (that's my own personality).
Celebrities might suffer much from PDAs because some are too quick to hop into relationships and mostly because they seem to date and marry very fast!

Flash in a pan
One: SO consultation tinz! Lol. Niceee. I feel like we're getting 2 for the price of 1 here. Loveeeet!!

I agree with you that when you're happy in love, proud of the person and sure, you want to be expressive about it. You can't hide love. Now the question is - are we ever sure until we say 'I do'?

Nubian Princess: I took a leaf out of my darling MIA's book and had a convo with the S.O... The points raised came about after our discussion... 
 1. A relationship is between two people and the choice to be public or private should be discussed between them and a 'privacy setting' agreed, based on personalities. However, whatever the privacy setting, if you truly love your SO, he/she will feature in your conversations.

2. A problem with 'streaming every kiss online' sometimes leads to one couple benchmarking their union against another. "Ify's boo gave her flowers. I saw it on instagram! Yet you haven't even given me an ordinary card.." Wahala enters. But maybe maturity levels of the people in the relationship also come into play here.

     Competition?  
                                           Pic Source                                           
3. What is the relationship? Sometimes, if it's new or if either or both parties are unsure of each other, then limited sharing with the world makes sense no matter how much affection there is. However, if there is security and if there is integrity and validation, then it's easy to share, no matter how 'new' the relationship is.

4. If you work together... DISCRETION IS KEY!!! Especially if the relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason. One needs to be VERY, VERY careful about how you handle office romance!

Shhh.. Office romance in progress
Pic Source
And in conclusion... Privacy and Discretion are two different things! Discretion is always advised... Not everything Darling Boo Dearest says or does should be announced to the world, but at the same time, you can show whatever public display of affection makes you both comfortable.

Mr NumeroUno: I echo Nubian Princess.

One: Yes, yes. Interestingly, we often hear this complaint "he never even put my picture up or write on my wall!". Now that may sound petty but people of God when you really dig someone, it's very difficult to not talk about them or like Nubian said 'slip into conversations'.
No pictures?! Don't you attend events together? Is he/she the 'world's best kept secret'. Yet the said person will be 'liking' pictures of other couples oh! Lol

Would this help per'aps? :-D
Ms PYT: I totally agree with the earlier comments. It's hard to keep quiet when you are truly in love and there's nothing wrong in displaying this on social media but with wisdom.
You don't want to also fall into the category of women who hide their relationships and find out later that their man is either married or has a girl friend. I have a very close friend who was dating this guy and they both agreed to keep it out of the public eye but unfortunately, the guy had been married for several years without a child but my friend only found out when things had become really serious between them! This story ended badly...

One: If your SO is not talking about you, please be very worried. That's my thought. All these "let's not say because people are wicked" = lie from the pit of hell lol

Ms Hope: I feel it is impossible to cover love. Love cannot be as a covert operation because love in its very nature is expressive.
If you have a guy/girl that says 'let's keep this secret', alarm bells should blare as the other might have serious debris to hide. ‎
However, degree of PDA varies from couple to couple, orientation, exposure, beliefs etc.

One: Secret relationships are never a good idea.. Like you said, love in its nature is expressive.
Ok, where are the men please? Too much oesstrogen in the atmosphere.. Is it the same for you? Do you think PDA or the lack of it is a problem? Personally, would you mind if your wife or SO never mentions you in public or talks about you?

Mr JohnNash: I think every relationship has its set of challenges, the more public it is, the more opinions on the relationship, the more the challenges, the more the headache. That's why I admire girls who are private.

So maybe the reverse word is not secret. I would rather keep my relationship private. Less opinion, less comparisons, more focus on the other party.

Not! lol
One: I think I will save my response for others to comment..

What do you think? Would you prefer an open/expressive or (very) private relationship?

Let's talk..

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Remember that 1 + The One is very social :-) Please connect with us on:

Twitter: @1plustheone
Instagram: @1plustheone

Also, if you have any questions or comments please send us an email too oneplustheone@gmail.com


Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Waiting and Loving It!!! Feat Tosin and Lanre Oladapo

Hello beautiful people!!

I present to you another edition of Waiting and Loving It!!

First time here?! Welcome! I love you already!! *cheesy grin*.. If you'd like an introduction to the series/project, please click HERE, HERE and HERE.

This week, we feature teenage sweethearts Tosin and Lanre! I totally enjoyed speaking with them and I love how real they are! I can't wait for you to read their 'Awww' love story of how they met, I'm sure you will have many things to laugh about too!

I know that you will be blessed by their story, so without further ado, I present to you Waiting and Loving It!!! With Tosin and Lanre Oladapo.

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Tosin and Lanre Oladapo!
Hello Mr and Mrs Oladapo! It’s a real delight speaking to you today. Thank you very much for taking out time to share with us. Could you please tell us about yourselves?

Tosin: Hello everyone! My name is Tosin Oladapo, I am married to my first boyfriend, a wonderful man, my sugar banana, my sweetie, my most cherished coco. He is God’s special gift to me and we have been married for seven wonderful years (2007) and every day I keep thanking God for making me marry my own.

I am a full business woman, I am into shirt customising /Printing/Signage. I love to bake and I also love to make up for people. I am an addict of Jesus Christ, He is my number one Hero, I love LOVE, I like to have fun and I love having people around me. I cherish friendship and I like people that are real. I am not a sport person like that, I watch football when I want to encourage my sweetie so I am a Chelsea fan, lol.

Lanre: My name is Oladapo Olanrewaju Kolade, I come from Ire in Osun state (Nigeria). I am the third born of a family of four and was born on the 11th of May. I grew up in a very military conscious environment. I am a Chartered Accountant and I work with SuperSports Nigeria as the Finance Manager. My favourite food is Rice and Plantain (if you want to make my day, make sure there’s plantain). My favourite colour is green, favourite football club is Chelsea. I love travelling, teaching, talking and meeting people. I have been married for the past 7 years to the only official person I call my best friend. 

Lanre and his best friend :-)
Love the introduction! Great to meet you Lanre and his best friend :-) So Lanre, how did you meet your best friend?

Lanre: Well it all started in September 2000. I had registered to sit for the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria (ICAN) exam and I spent the period in her house because her elder bro and I were preparing for the same exam. We were reading together and I also wanted to escape from home lol. Prior to this time, I had had a private conversation with God in 1998 as He was my only friend and in one of the conversations, He told me to write certain qualities I wanted to see in my wife. I didn’t take it seriously until my Uncle in America called that year and in the course of our discussion asked – “Lanre, Iyawo nko?” (Lanre, how about getting a wife?) I hadn’t spoken with him in 10 years! I knew it was God speaking through Him. I wanted to give God a tall order so I went through the place in the bible that talks about a good woman and I picked out 20 characteristics thinking “Since God is the one that sent me, this is my recommendation/specification”. I said to Him “If she doesn’t exist on earth, you have to draw her from heaven, if not I don’t need to marry” (I knew my relationship with God as my Father, so I could talk to Him as a son). I never approached a woman without presenting her to God first.

Tosin: Hnnnmmmmm…. Can I still remember? *smiles* How can I forget my teenage love story...
Alright! We met over 15years ago at my house, he was actually my elder brother’s friend. I liked him the very moment I set my eyes on him, it was like love at first sight lol. Dreams do come true oh! I was less than 15years old at that time and I secretly admired him.... (Covering my face...chai!)
Note: Don't underestimate teenagers o....lol
He was ‘Uncle Lanre’ to me then (it was customary to call older people ‘Uncle’ as a sign of respect), we weren't friends, he was more like a ‘big bros’ to me and he was closer to my two elder sisters.
I got attracted to him more when he came to my Secondary School to re-sit an examination, I was in SS 1 then. He was very neat and kind of different, I don't know if it was because he was ‘baba dudu’ (very dark-skinned), lol or because of his carriage. What struck me most then was when he got on the assembly stage to preach and everybody would go quiet and listen attentively (this was unusual in my school!)

After my graduation from Secondary School (2000), I was home when I saw ‘Uncle Lanre’ with a bag and I was told he would be spending some days in my house in order to study for the ICAN examination with my brother.
I was so excited about it, it was like a dream to me. As God would have it, my elder sisters were not around for him to gist with so he became friendly with me and started sharing God’s word with me. Infact I used to call him ‘spiritual brother’ because he didn't know how to gist or say anything other than preaching.
To be sincere, all the preaching then did not enter my head, I just liked the fact that he was always talking to me. In my mind I was like “Doesn't this guy have any other thing to say other than to preach??”
Anyway, I was very glad at that time because my dad as a military officer was on transfer so he was not in Lagos and my mum was an early sleeper so you can imagine the free time lol

When he finished his exams and was about to leave I was not happy at all because I had gotten so used to him and the attraction was very strong. I was 16 years old at this time.
We communicated afterwards through letter-writing as we didn't have mobile phones at the time. As usual, he was preaching and encouraging me in his letters. However, to my surprise, in the 5th letter or so, he was friendly and started becoming more personal, he asked me out on the 4th of November 2000 and I said YES with so much joy in my heart. (See child abuse o, I was just 16 and he was 19years old!) He was obviously my first boyfriend and I was his first too. We dated for 7years and we got married in 2007.

                          
Wow! Very interesting story. I smiled throughout :-) Lanre, what was going through your mind over this period? How did little sister (or shall we say convert) become ‘potential’?

Lanre: One Saturday, I was going out with her brother. I passed by the bathroom where she was cleaning. As I walked past, God said to look again. I saw a spotlight shining on her and I just knew she was special. I said “God I’m so sorry, You have chosen the woman for me so I will go through the process.”

I started by writing a letter to her. I was very scared because with it, she would have physical evidence to show the fellowship if she wanted to report me. You see, I was an ‘exco’ (leader) in the fellowship and she was a member and I didn’t want any trouble with the fellowship.

My first 3 letters were exactly the way Paul wrote to the churches lol (that was the only way I could write). I think in her third letter, she said “I am not saying that you shouldn’t encourage me oh but you can talk about personal things” – she was teaching me. I was happy because this was Holy Spirit ‘expo’ (insight). We exchanged over 200 letters! Hers were definitely more than mine lol. I didn’t know that letter writing was one of the best ways of expressing herself. 


Oh certainly Lanre! Letter-writing is often always a winner (ask Shakespeare!) and thank God He gave you the ‘expo’ you needed to win her heart. What was the attraction for you both?

Lanre: I found her very attractive. Physically, I was attracted to her lips, her eyes, her legs. I liked the way she looked.

Tosin: What attracted me to my sweetie apart from his eyes (lol) was his passion for God, he was very disciplined, focused and very humble.

Nice!! A man that fears God is to be loved :-) How did you know you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him?

Tosin: I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband at that age because he behaved very mature. He was very focused, disciplined and humble .He was somebody I could allow to lead me because of his passion for God, Infact he made me who I am today, he was like an elder brother to me that led me in the way of God.
I watched the way he behaved to others, he was always there for people, he is someone you can go to sleep and rely on. 


That’s’ really nice. What made you make the decision to wait and how did you handle pressure?

Lanre: I ordered for some sexual padlocks (kidding).

Tosin: For me, to abstain from sex was something I had purposed to do from a very young age. What was difficult was trying not to touch and kiss. 7years of seeing each other regularly was no joke! And you know you can't kiss without touching - that was the challenge.
We were making ‘no-touching’ rules and breaking it, asking God for forgiveness, but God saw us through so that we never gave in to the pressure.

In addition, we had people that were looking up to us and we could not afford to disappoint them.

Lanre: It was not very easy, we had issues - Sometimes, she would be in my house and then rain starts falling (lol). I would make some passes and she would say “Don’t worry, I am all yours when we get married, you will have free rein.” We helped each other but she was mainly the one who calmed me down.

In addition, one of my relationship mentors Pastor Bimbo Odukoya used to say that in a relationship if all you think about is sex, sex, sex, then break up! – This one that I had confirmed with God and her, I would rather think about other things than break up with her! Practically, we tried to keep ourselves busy. We used scriptures, it didn’t work. We also consciously planned other fun activities (games) while we were together to engage us so that we were not left idle. 

When it was time to stay away from me, she did. It wasn’t easy but it had to be done! 

Licence to HOLD!
Thanks for being real with us. Thank God for grace to stay true to Him. Now that you are married, what advice would you give your single self?

Tosin: Look out for a guy that has the fear of God, someone that is passionate about the things of God, someone that is responsible, one that you can trust with your life and that will tell you the truth no matter what. Also, be observant of the way he treats others.

Lanre: Majority of the time, what breaks a relationship and practically a marriage is the man choosing to opt out. If the man insists he wants it to work, it will work.

Men, have you heard? Lol.. What is the best part of being married?

Lanre: Too many things to mention! First, my wife is not just the description of favour she is favour personified, Ever since I got married, things I struggled with became faster than ever! Doors were opening for me. My wife is a wonderful prayer partner!

Also, there’s rest of mind and satisfaction that comes with marrying your best friend, every day is different. There’s something new each day. I find myself rushing home from work each day to meet with a wonderful person because each day is different. She is fun to be with! No 2 same days

I have to mention this, she has improved my fashion sense! I used to dress like ‘Broo’ – I just wore clothes to cover me, whether it was in or out of vogue. My wife upgraded me up and brought out the gold in me! Right now we have to chase away the vultures who want to reap where they did not sow. Lool.

Finally, her openness – She said to feel free to tell her anything, whether good or bad. It has paid off for me. Now I tell her things not because I need to tell her but because it is my deliverance! But me I tell her “don’t tell me your own, I can’t handle it!”

Tosin: The best part of being married is having someone that loves you and that’s got your back covered, someone to sleep with and wake up with, Someone that loves God and puts you first even before himself. 

*All Smiles*
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I absolutely enjoyed interviewing Tosin and Lanre, they are such a joy to be with and their love for God and each other shines through. 


I learnt a lot from them as well. I admire Lanre’s relationship with God, I like the way that he was able to express himself and be open with God. The great thing about being with a man who loves and knows his God is that he does not mess around with you, he is purposeful about his relationship with you because he respects the God that is your Father. 

I am encouraged that even though they were in a relationship for 7 years, they had made a commitment to God to keep sex in marriage, and beyond asking for grace to stick to it, they were also very practical in their approach. 

Know yourself, don’t push the limits. 

It is very possible by God’s grace. I’m Waiting and Loving It!!! 

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Click HERE for other Waiting and Loving It Couples... And please don't forget to share too!


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Do you have any question, please do not hesitate to ask!
Email - oneplustheone@gmail.com
Twitter - @1plustheone
Instagram: @1plustheone

Friday, 10 October 2014

Dear Daddy

My Dearest Daddy,

Olowo-ori mi.. That roughly translates in English to mean the one that owns my head, that has paid the price for my head, that owns ALL of me.. :-)

You make my head 'swell' with pride. You are magnificently awesome! You are awesomely amazing. You are amazingly special, You are specially wonderful.. You are wonderfully glorious. You are gloriously beautiful.

My King, my Lord, the Lover of my Soul, the One who makes my life complete, who makes life itself worth living.

How do I begin to give You thanks for the many many things You have done. From the depths of my heart, Daddy I say thank You.

Thank You for the love that you show me.. It's incredible Abba Father.. I revel in it and it makes me feel so whole, so complete, so full, so precious - because You love me so.

Thank You for the demonstration of that love through your children. Oh Daddy, indeed people are the representation of your love here on earth.. That's why You call us Your light. You expect us to shine brightly and gloriously for you on this earth.

Thank You particularly for the unexpected but deeply appreciated love I received from your precious 'girl 'thankful' GoodNaijaGirl and the amazing people I have met via this blogging avenue.. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am yet to meet most of them yet the love they freely express is so wonderful..

I pray Daddy that You bless them in a special way today. I ask dear Saviour that You show them love like never before. I desire my King that it would please You to make them very great indeed and grant them the desires of their heart - if there be anything at all they have asked of You, according to Your will my Precious Father, please do for them.. And surpass their imaginations and expectations as You always do.

I remain forever grateful for love Daddy. Thank You very very much.

From a heart that would love you for all eternity,
It's me, One xx

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Conversations with One: Must Love My Family - Yay or Nay?

Hi and welcome to this week's edition of Conversations with One! *cue music*

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

FRIENDS BRAIN
First, let's take a selfie! source
Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where had a very lively discussion on the importance and role of money in relationships/marriages. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

Ok, so today's discussion is from a question/dilemma:

"My fiancé is absolutely amazing and I thank God for him. The only thing that concerns me about our relationship is that he doesn't quite get along with my family members. They talk quite alright but he doesn't really go out of his way to get to know them or bond with them. I'm really close to my family and I wonder, should I be worried??"

So ladies and gentlemen, here we have it - 

How important is it for your Partner or SO to get along with your family? Can it be a deal breaker for you?

As always, candid and very brief responses will be wonderful! Please give personal/real-life examples where possible.

Let's talk!

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NubianPrincess: It's a pretty sensitive one to be honest... I'm insanely close to my family and so I would like my SO to have some sort of a close relationship with them, same as I would strive to have with his family BUT within plenty reason.

I once dated this dude, guy told me one day, that I was too close to my family, especially my sis and I shouldn't share so much with them... For some reason it rang alarm bells in my head. Needless to say, the relationship didn't work out.

Mr NumeroUno: Please who/what is SO?

One: Lol, Numero Uno! SO is your Significant Other = Fiance/Serious Relationship person as first introduced used here by NubianPrincess...

Ms PumpkinUnited: SO is a 'koro' term for Significant Other, as in your 'boo of life' as in your 'chocomilo', as in your 'kuchykuchy'...

Mr NumeroUno: Lol. I love Chocomilo

I love you like Chocomilo!
One: Lol.. MsPumpkinUnited, that's where we will see you in action!

NubianPrincess: Lol..
You see, I'm not unreasonable, I don't expect all the details of my married life or relationship to be shared with family but there can be some danger in isolation, and when a man tries to 'isolate' a woman from her family or create some enmity there, one should shine eye ooh!

One: It's true, bells should start ringing loudly if a man or woman is trying to isolate you from your family!

NubianPrincess: A friend dated this guy who used to abuse her - physically and emotionally. Step one was to isolate her from her family and friends. Then he started bending her to his will slowly, 'lovingly' and forcefully. Then abuse started. She became a shadow of herself in a very short time.

While I'm a firm believer in hubby dearest being numero uno in my life after God, I also think that women especially need a firm support system in place for after they're married and this can be in the form of biological family, church family or trusted friends.

A strong support system = Very important!
Mr Agbalagbaski: I agree with Nubian, not alarm bells only, but war bells should be ringing! One of my tests (I hope you agree with me that tests are allowed right?! if you agree let me hear you say 'Whoooop Whooooop!!!') is that before things get serious I do a siblings test. if there's no connection then it's a warning sign for me.

                                    
                                                           Apply with supporting documents please

One: Whoop Whoop!!! I agree with you on tests lol.. That's a definite one for me.... I have to definitely watch the way the person relates with my family.. If it's not there, that is F9..
I am sorry, I do expect the 'going out of your way to be good to them' and cultivating their friendship. If you knew me, you would know that that's hugely important to me! So if the interest in them is tepid like the question suggests, I would feel very uncomfortable being in that relationship.

Mr Agbalagbaski: We are taught in pre-marriage class that what you get in courtship will be overflowing in marriage. What's at stake here in marriage - A) He'll tolerate your family. B) Don't expect him to change suddenly.
In response to the question, I would strongly prescribe the following:

  1. Heart to heart discussion to find out the root cause of the actions (not 'naggingly' but with wisdom).
  2. Find out if there are things that you are doing that's making him/her uncomfortable/threatened.
  3. Pay close attention to him/her when you're at your family (study his/her body language) you will generally know some tell-tale signs.
  4. Make sure that he/she is inclusive in conversations.
  5. If you are not from the same tribe, take extra time/care to interpret/ reduce the language he doesn't understand.

The only person that can change is you. the answers to the question aren't straight-forward but there are things for both parties to consider if the relationship is truly worthwhile. having done all to make peace and he/she still doesn't budge, then re-consider the relationship because you are heading for a lonely relationship.

No one should be in this position
One: Nice one Counsellor Agbalagbaski! I am taking notes myself as some of the things you listed above are things I could take for granted... Thanks!

Ms PumpkinUnited: Quite an interesting topic.. Permit me to indulge in a bit of holistic plagiarism, NubianP actually spoke my mind.. I also believe that there's a reasonable extent to which SOs should get along with each others family, it must not be that kuchykuchy kinda bonding in all cases..as long as they relate well, they don't have to be besties cause it is not something to be forced, some people are good at that going the extra mile thingy to bond and do 'parakpo' things and others are not, it doesn't mean that they disregard family.. The bonding will happen if it will.. as long as my SO is not trying to isolate me from my family or does not appreciate nor show respect to my family, we are cool.. but note that if he treats your family like trash, he will treat you worse than trash..

One: Haaa the extra-mile thingy is a BIG criteria for me ohh! Very big.. Infact, you need to get to them to get to me.. Plus it helps that my family are absolutely amazing (:-D) so if you don't get along with them, I suspect you lol

Go the extra-mile, even if it means wearing something 'special'
Ms PumpkinUnited: I would really love for them to all get along really well and bond really well like one big happy family, you know, eat poundo and okro soup together from one plate ..but hey, it's enough for them to get along, all the other going the extra mile is cool and of course desirable but then its not a criteria for me, or yardstick..some people just bond from the word GO while others bond little by little overtime..

Mr Motivation: For me, I feel that how one's SO regards your family mainly depends on the perception they have about how you relate to your family i.e. if the bond between you and your family members are tight, it is expected that the SO should endeavour to establish a sound relationship with them as well. So I recommend that people should avoid slagging off their family members before their SO just because of a moment of disagreement with a given family member. The impression you create of a family member can be lasting.... However, I totally trail down the lines of thought of Ms Hope, in the sense that if you indeed truly love your SO, the love should be in whole and not in parts given that he/she comes from a family.

If you don't have anything good to say, say nothing
One: Preach!  I love that angle! I think the way you portray your family matters so much! Even if they are not 'all that' at the moment, still try to 'big' them up.. In the long run, it pays a lot.

Ms Hope: It's important for my sweetheart to be in sync with the family I'm coming from. Some people might be indifferent about this but for people like me who grew up in a closely knitted family, it means a lot. I should embrace his family while he embraces mine.

The guy/girl who truly cares will go out of his/her way to develop a relationship with the other's family/siblings because he/she should be aware of how important it is to his/her sweetheart.

Close-knit
One: Yes Madam Sweetheart :-D

Mr Motivation: Having said that, some families may tend to be more difficult than others due to reasons best known to them eg tribe, religion, past history, exposure, or other personal biases or shortcomings etc but it doesn't eliminate the role of the SO attempting to keep a good relationship with the family. I know of a couple that despite several attempts of the lady to get along with some members of the hubby's family, it seems to be be futile but she still endeavours to reach out and I believe with time she will break through. Love conquers all things.

One: Amen oh! Sometimes, some families are very difficult! However, I believe that love for your partner would inspire you to try as much as possible to get along with them + God says so - "As long as it lies with you, be at peace with all men" Romans 12:18 (Even the 'ayamatangas!' < Sorry no known English translation for this one :-D)

Left < Example of an Ayamatanga family member lol - You have to love them still though :-)
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And that's it from us.. I would be interested to see if there's anyone who has seen or experienced situations where getting along with one's partner's family members was particularly difficult.. Also, in addition to Mr Agbalagbaski's very helpful tips, what other things do you think could help to build relationships between families?
Plus, is it even important to bother at all?