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Friday, 21 November 2014

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I am sooo excited! I'm right here in Your presence at the Night of Worship organised by Your children at JoshuaVille!!

My Sugar Daddy aka Jehovah El Sucre, today's letter will be delivered live to You right here.

May I just say again and again that You rock Papa, You absolutely ROCK!

I love You Daddy. 

Your girl,
One xx

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Conversations with One: Where do Broken Hearts Go?

Hey Hey Hey!!!

Has it really been so long? Well, 2 weeks to be precise but it seems like a mighty long time!! How have you been? At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I am sorry for the lull in conversation (pun intended)... Thank you as always to everyone who checked in and followed up, you rock! God bless you immensely.. We appreciate youuu!!

Today, we bring you another egg-citing (emphasis on the egg :-) edition of Conversations with One with the amazing and wonderful panel!

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where we discussed the wisdom of abandoning your career or dream for someone you are in a relationship with. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

Alrighty, now to this week's topic:

Now this week's topic was given by a male reader and it goes thus..
"How do you deal with heartbreak?"

Usually, when we talk about heartbreak and so on, emphasis is placed on the lady, we forget that men get heart-broken too! This question cuts across all sexes so please let's hear it.. How do you get over a heartbreak?

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Ms MIA: Lemme first sigh.....hmmmmmm! Ok I'll be back......

Mr NumeroUno: I like the question. Thou hast asked a hard thing, nevertheless let's attempt to deal with it. First even twins or siblings of the same mother are different. In other words we tend to handle things differently.
Rule No 1. Go to the Judge of the whole earth, the one who created the eyes and the heart. Someone who creates eyes definitely can see. So God knows about it. He saw all the details of the relationship before the start, from start to finish, and knows what will happen next even when it is over.
Secondly. Seeing and knowing a matter is different from an invitation to be involved or be mediator in the case. So invite him to settle it.

Rule No 2. Look inward and admit that you also have flaws and may have contributed. But examine yourself. "He that thinketh he stands should take heed."

Rule No 3. Forgive. Forgive your ex and forgive yourself.

Rule No 4. No animosity, don't wish your ex evil or the worse and don't go looking for someone to use as vengeance to spite on your ex. You'll just hurt an innocent person in the process. 

You may be tempted to do this, but chill.. God's got this :-)
NubianPrincess: Without meaning to sound too "spiri"... Na God oooh!!

Personal example, I was in a relationship for 4 years with a dude I thought I was going to marry... Don't ask please, I was quite young. One day, the Holy Spirit led me to pray about my relationship, I asked God to take the dude away if he wasn't my husband and not to let me feel bad... Less than an hour later, I was single... Bobo messaged me to tell me the relationship wasn't working and that was the end.... I should have been devastated... But God strengthened me so much, I couldn't believe it... He protected my heart from the pain.

Don't worry, its going to be alright..
Second example... Many, many years later, I was in a relationship with another dude I thought I was going to marry. We had to end the relationship by mutual decision due to some issues we couldn't reconcile... Now, that was painful for both of us... I 'grieved' a little, I threw myself in a lot of activities... I was very, very busy and I prayed a lot and with time, the pain receded and I was very okay...

I'm a bottler, I don't discuss my emotions easily or at all, but if the person is a talker, I suggest talking to someone about the pain you're going through... Apparently, it helps. :-)

One: Lol.. Me I am a certified talker... But may God save us from heartbreak oh... I have had the last one in Jesus name (and the people say..) That thing ehn, odikwa very painful indeed.. I hate hearing when people share the loss of a relationship with me, I wish I could take it away! But like Numero and Nubian said, God does take it away..

Ms Hope: I have a friend who is more like a sister, she had a relationship that had started a year before we started first year in Uni in 2003, up until May ‎2014. Let me just say the relationship did not officially end. She only heard and saw his wedding pictures. Was she devastated? That's to put it lightly.
‎Can't say she has fully recovered yet, but sheer will and determination plus spending more time with ‎God has so far helped her hang her head over the waters.

Ms MIA: Honestly, there's no one way to deal with a heart break and as Numero Uno said, to each his own way. My experience lasted a year although I started to heal after 6 months but it took a year before I completely let go.

My steps were:
1. I chose to forgive (it was a decision that I took, although the real forgiveness happened after a year). Then forgive yourself, this is so important.

2. Prayers - This kind of prayer is the sort where you talk with a heart of sincerity to God as you would your friend. I cried a lot so I used to do so with God every time. I made a conscious effort to talk to God every time so that I won't be bitter.
Pray, pray and pray again!
3. Speak to your Christian friend. This worked for me because my friend didn't want to dwell on the situation so when we talked, it was always what's next? Also, avoid speaking to too many people else it will turn into a pity party.

4. Occupy your time with studying the word of God. Heartbreaks can leave you feeling 'not good enough' so the word of God reminds you who you are. I also studied books a lot and I found that they helped me self evaluate (oh I learnt 10,000 ways not to do it again)

5. Be friendly - my dad taught me this one. He said I should get to know the opposite gender better as it would help me in the future. It's also important not to rush into another relationship because more often than not, it's a rebound. And here I rest my case.

One: Nice one Ms MIA, very very helpful.
Mr NumeroUno: I also echo Ms MIA, may I add.

6. Listen to specific Christian music that boosts your spirit. i.e. Mary Mary's in the morning the sun's going to shine. Donnie McClurkin's 'You'll be fine', I will Trust You Lord. Etc. By the time you load yourself with some deep encouraging songs. Your spirit comes alive, your heart begins to heal real quickly, and you recover better. When you notice you are running out of dose. Look for more spirit inspired songs to lift your spirit.

7. Listen to messages that inspire and teach on relationship and hope. eg Joyce Meyer, Bimbo Odukoya (Youtube), Funke Felix Adejumo, Sam Adeyemi, etc.

8. Go shopping buy something new or travel and hopefully enjoy some compliments. It is refreshing and therapeutic.

9. Laughter is really medicine. Look out for comedies you enjoy and just work out what brings out your sense of humour. Hang around people with positive energy.
And believe me you will so bounce back at a much shorter time frame. It works!

That moment when you receive a new lease of life!!
Ms PYT: I really don't know what anyone can tell someone who's going through a fresh heart break that will make them feel better. They can come alive after a while, then all the practical examples you all have given can work.

Heart break doesn't just happen to single people, married couples go through heartbreak too.
A very close friend of my family has been cheating on his wife for over 5 years and guess what? Someone is pregnant for him. Not in her wildest dreams did she think her husband would cheat on her. She asked me a question which I didn't have an answer for "how do I love him again?" She is so heartbroken and nothing seems to calm her down.

One: Wow.. That's a new and very important perspective PYT... heartbreak in marriage. I think that is even more difficult as it's a more committed relationship.. Lord have mercy!! I can't even imagine how she must feel at this moment.

Ms TrueTalk: Whenever my 3-year old son hurts himself and runs to me in tears, he asks a funny question: "Mummy, what will make it go away?" and I simply tell him- 'Time'. It kind of makes him feel better.
It is true time heals all wounds, but what we spend the time doing is important. Focusing on God during this period is very key, He truly is the lover of our soul. Listening to good music, staying away from situations or friends that will stir up painful emotions will also help. I would also suggest that you avoid watching all those mushy romantic movies and listening to 'love songs'.

As time goes by, your heart will heal and you will get over it and move on.

One: Hmm.. The irony is that it's at that time that one will go and dig up BoysIIMen, Mario, Neyo etc lol

Mr Motivation: Lol.. Ok, here goes - 5 Steps to overcoming heartbreak by Mr Motivation...lol.

1. Decision- You are solely responsible for moving on and not God or your friends etc.

2. Acceptance- This has to do with coming to terms with the fact that things didn't work out although there were beautiful memories created and it ended not necessarily because you or the other person is a bad person. Sometimes not every good thing is meant for "you". In my case, I would still vouch for my ex as to her being a good person but I guess she wasn't for me. One amazing thing about God is that He never takes away something without a more perfect replacement. Its only a question of How well do we trust Him. When mine ended in Sep'10 I felt bad because I had been on this girls case from my 1st year of Uni and She agreed in final year.....Now that's investment of time, energy and emotion. More so she had some certain qualities I wanted in a woman both physical and spiritual e.g flat tummy, slim fit etc and yes I said it, I am human and I am only being real. But I didn't know that God had something wayyyyyyy and faaarrrr better than what I was looking out for in a woman and now when I look back, I am like "Whoa! God I thank you because I am sooooooooooo happy with what you finally gave me."

As for the other 3 points........ I will need clearance from One to go ahead....lol. If you notice, I mainly emphasises on the you (the heartbroken) and not God. My reason for this is that we Christians subconsciously pass on the absolute responsibility for healing and moving on unto God, neglecting our role in the process. In my humble opinion, God only blesses"WORKS" and not "WISHES".d

Mr Agbalagbaski: You guys have mentioned most of what I wanted to say. I will tell you steps I took when I had my heart broken too. Decision to part was mutual but nearly 6yrs of investment in a relationship and ending it, to be honest, words can't fully describe.

How did I cope? Same steps as most have recommended. I did loads of evaluation, ie what did I learn? I concentrated on the things that through her God changed in me.

They say guys don't cry, I had nights that my pillows were wet

Men cry too!
One: Sorry, I have to cut in.. They do?? Halleluyah to that!!

Mr Agbalagbaski: LOL.. Yes, we do.. I listened to some "heartbroken" type music, guess what? I cried even more. Crying heals the soul sha, I tell you
I had Christian friends that I spoke to, had counselling sessions with my Pastor. I forgave myself first, then called her and asked her to forgive me, I did the same too. 
Heart healing can't be rushed. For some, it's quick but mine was different. To mourn my relationship. I didn't shave or cut my hair for over a year. When I was truly convinced that I was over her I shaved it off!
If I err meet her again I would hug and gist with her like we were still friends but not one to establish another relationship. 

One: *huge sigh* That's deep! Thanks a lot for sharing your experience.. Heartbreak sucks jare

Just in case you forgot, men cry too! lol
                             

Mr Motivation: For anyone hurting out there, I want to reassure you that you are too precious to God for Him to watch you hurt yourself in the long run. So take solace in the fact that you will look back and smile one day.

One: AMEN! 

What a great note to bring our own conversation to an end.. We'd like to hear from you though.. Have you ever had your heartbroken? How did you deal with it? 

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  Remember that 1 + The One is very social :-) Please connect with us on:

Twitter: @1plustheone
Instagram: @1plustheone

Also, if you have any question or comment please send us an email too oneplustheone@gmail.com

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

The Owner of my Life, the reason for my existence, the centre of my joy, the only source of my completion and wholeness.

I'm really really sorry that this is coming late as I know that my letters come to You on Fridays and I believe that as my loving Father, You look out for it too. Please forgive me Daddy, I am sorry.

Thank You for being mindful of me.. Like the man You proclaimed was after your heart, David wondered aloud - What is man that you are mindful of, and the son of man that You visit Him?

This morning, I wonder as well.. Who are we, who am I that You are so interested in?
You made each and every one of us unique and different. We were carefully made by You, You paid attention and still pay attention to every single detail that concerns us. Everything about us is important to You and nothing about us is too trivial for You.

You own and rule the affairs of men, day by day, You keep the universe in check, You are the Lord of heaven, earth and hell, the Commander in Chief of the hosts of the universe, You command the sunset and sunrise, You tell the sea where its shore must be for that day, You pour Your rain on the earth and You give increase for a bountiful harvest.

You do all these and more, yet You still make time out for us, You still know when a strand of hair falls off any one of Your children, You are never too busy for us, You know when a son/daughter comes back home and you cause heaven to acknowledge with a celebration!

Your ears are never tired of our prayers, You delight in giving Your children good gifts when we ask and even before we ask, Your grace makes a way. You have called us the apple of your eyes and You hurt when we do. You said that You are our ever present help in time of trouble, You never sleep nor slumber, the fact that we have different time zones around the world makes no difference to You - You are always available for us, for me....Never too busy.

Thank You Abba Father. Daddy, thank You, my soul says thank You!

I am yet to get to that place of total availability to you, when I am never too busy for You but my prayer today Daddy is that You help me to always be available for You, to make You priority in every sense of the word.

I love You from the bottom of my heart and I am grateful to You for being a wonderful Daddy, the very best, none like You.

It's me - 1 out of billions yet 1 that has your full attention,
One xx

Friday, 7 November 2014

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

My Daddy in whom I can proudly beat my chest about!

My Daddy who never fails!

My Daddy who is the Champion, my Champion!

My Daddy who is supernaturally awesome!

My Daddy who is absolutely reliable!

My Daddy who loves without holding back or expecting in return.. You just love!

My Daddy who is Compassionate and Kind!

My Daddy who is Great and Mighty!

My Daddy who can never lose a battle.. Never ever!

My Daddy who does not slumber nor sleep!

My Daddy who can turn around a situation in the blink of an eye!

My Daddy who commands all things and they obey!

My Daddy with whom no one can contend with!

My Daddy who stills storms and parts seas!

My Daddy who spoke words and the whole earth was formed!

My Daddy who is the Creator and Owner of all things!

My Daddy who is Dependable and worthy of total trust!

My Daddy who is Everything - All in All, Complete!

I am proud of You Daddy, immensely proud and I can't say it enough.

Thank You for being my Daddy :-)

Your daughter,
One xx

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Conversations with One: When You Fall in Love with Your Bestie

Hiya! It's another edition of Conversations with One! *cue music*

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where we discussed the wisdom of abandoning your career or dream for someone you are in a relationship with. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

This week, our discussion is based on a question/dilemma:
"Help, I think I have fallen in love with my male-bestie. Is it alright to let him know how I feel? Would it make me (as a female) appear desperate or should I wait for him to make the first move?"
Happy ending?
What do you think? To let him know or to keep quite about it? Conversation time!

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Ms PYT: Is this male bestie also into her? Is she the only one falling in love or is the feeling mutual?

One: We don't know if the male bestie is into her too oh... Let's work based on the premise that she doesn't know if he does.. So he may or may not..

Mr NumeroUno: My advise to her - It can be expressed with wisdom in very very subtle ways (by actions and not by vocal speech). 

Shhh..
I believe the lady should not be the first to vocalise her feelings. She can show it through acts of kindness, acts of service, etc. Only, don't make it difficult for him, when it is obvious he is interested.  
How do I know if he is interested? Simple...
1. Withdraw and just play the absent and silent card. If he comes looking for you. Then there is potential.
2. He may be put off or angry at the sudden withdrawal, or very concerned and worried wondering if you are okay. These two actions indicate care, emotion and concern. Which also implies that there is potential. 

If he does not notice the absence, or does nothing about it. Then please open your heart for a guy who cares.

One: Lol.. I love the absent and silent card... But what if the guy too is dying in silence and takes her withdrawal as a sign that she is promoting (abi is it demoting) him from friend zone to brother zone?

Ah-mean, what if Ruth had withdrawn after her insides started tingling at the sight of Boaz (or at least before her mother-in-law gave her expo?)

Mr NumeroUno: One, I think Ruth's case is different. In the sense that we are talking about people who are already best of friends. Not new boy-girl relationships where the foundation is still being laid. So withdrawal should be sort of a test to see if there is indeed something.

Then if we look at Ruth also, she took the necessary action, by positioning. She didn't vocalise affection or feelings until the guy committed.

Ms PumpkinUnited: Eerrmm, I sort of love this question because I have a personal experience in that regard.. My SO (Significant Other) and I started off as besties.. but along the line, I realized I had developed a tender spot for him. Due to the kind of person he is (good-natured and with a large heart) I wasn't sure of his exact feelings towards me, so I decided to use 'woman power' to find out, by watching his reaction when he hasn't heard from me or seen me, etc etc ..I'm a very expressive person but then I'm not good at dealing with rejection so I tried to be careful. In the long run however, I realized the feeling was mutual, we were talking one day and he stated thus - as far as he is concerned, a man and woman cannot be besties cause there's a natural phenomenon for attraction to build overtime (it might not always be the case though) - I just caught that 'rhema' and held it close. So knowing how he felt about me, my expressive self took the bold step and expressed how I felt towards him, and the feeling was also mutual. Fast-forward some two years later and my bestie has graduated from my bestie -> boyfriend -> fiance -> husband to be.. Somebody shout Halleluya.. Loolll..

Ms UTA: Hallelujah! ! God is good; all the time! :-D

Mr Agbalagbaski: Halleluyah oooo.. Beuriful sturvs

One: Lol.. Loving the story Ms PumpkinUnited! Thank God you made the move oh! NumeroUno, I am still pro 'Speak-out'.. Why suffer in silence??

Like Nike, just do it! :-)
I think if you have a very good relationship - up to the point of being besties, not just random friends, you would have shared many '√°wkward' or private things! Be open, I think it's the way its presented..

She knows the way they communicate, and can say "Dude, I have to be honest with you, things have changed for me..." Please are there any guys who have had this conversation with a female friend (bestie or very close friend)? I would like to know how it turned out :-)

Ms TrueTalk: Hallelujah! Ms. Pumpkin United.

I feel a 'bestie' relationship between a boy and a girl cannot go on without a moment of attraction; especially when they have been together for a long time and grown to the age of having boyfriends/girlfriends. It can either turn out to be a mutual feeling or an awkward moment.

I would go with One on this - make your feelings known if not verbally, but through gestures. Don't bottle it up or expect him to just 'know'. Not expressing yourself may end up straining the relationship.

Now, what did I do again!?
Ms PumpkinUnited: I remember my bestie turned SO asking me back then "whom better than to marry if not your best friend, would you rather marry a stranger and start getting to know yourselves all over?"

One: Lol.. I agree.. Save yourself the stress :-)

So, I am still asking oh, has anyone done 1 or all of the following:

1. Told your male/female bestie that you had feelings for them (Pumpkin has dealt with this one).. If you have one with an alternative ending please let me know
2. Didn't tell your male/female bestie and they ended up with someone else.. Any regrets?
3. Didn't tell them but did the pulling away technique.. How did it turn out?

Ms PYT: I told my friend's brother I was in love with him and he just didn't say anything .‎ *Covering my face*.

Was his face a bit like this? lol
One: Hahaha.. This got me laughing out loud! Pele PYT... Please tell us in a little more detail warrapens now? :-D

Ms Hope: Hahahhahahaha please let me laugh at this one.

Ms MIA: This is really tricky for me because like Ms Pumpkin said, rejection is tough for anyone let alone for a sister....shaking already!
I have a near experience I can share. I liked him from day one of being friends but didn't want any more than that because I was dealing with a heartbreak. Dude wanted us to be an item but I insisted on being friends. Then he takes the friendship position after many months of trying to win me over. Fast forward to nearly one year of friendship and I start to dig the dude. I even got a tinge of jealous feelings when other ladies paid him attention. I did all the subtle-ness to hint him but my guy didn't respond, I even staged unnecessary quarrels but it didn't work. So I took a last resort and had 'THE' convo and guy was no longer interested...*sadddddface* (I got over it anyway...lol!).

You see, what it is is that... I'm kinda like no longer interested -__-
One: I get you on that staging unnecessary quarrel! Hahaha.. One day we should talk about the 'extreme measures' we took in trying to get a guy/girl's attention! But mehnnn why can't we like each other at the same time please?? That would save a lot of stress.

Ms MIA: I agree One, this likeness situation needs to start aligning itself somehow though. Ps. Guy found another girl and didn't tell me abourrit! Sadder!

MissMe: Sorry MIA, :-D

Ms MIA: Lol. Note to lady with dilemma, please be prepared for whatever the outcome is. I think that the worst thing that could happen to anyone is to have that lingering 'what if'?' I would say try the subtle approach (recommended by NumeroUno) and if need be, progress to face to face convo (it works for some.....Amen Ms Pumpkin!).
However, I must stress that you be prepared and don't make it awkward. Ask yourself the real questions, if dude does not want this to go further, what do I want? Can I stay friends still or will I need an exit strategy? My mother says - 'No friendship with men and women', although I think it is situational!

.... On that note, we end our conversation and put the question to you. What should she do? Say nothing but subtly send signals to him about her feelings, take the bite and speak to him about it, or something totally different? Also, we'd like to know, have you or any one you know been in this situation? Please share!

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Remember that 1 + The One is very social :-) Please connect with us on:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/1plustheone
Twitter: @1plustheone
Instagram: @1plustheone

Also, if you have any question or comment please send us an email too oneplustheone@gmail.com